I got to bring you all up to speed a tad for this entry to make sense. So Simon and I have been separated for 11 months now. In this time that we have been "single" we have remained in this tug of war of fighting about who cares more for the other. ELEVEN months of fighting!!! It's exhausting. I certainly don't feel single. haha I am definitely still emotionally involved with him.
So... We have this pattern, or this dance that we do where we stop talking and wait and see how long till the other one cracks and breaks down and calls us. Then we'll comeback together have a few magical days(sometimes hours) of making up before the communication issues come bubbling back up and we start fighting. It's a very predictable pattern, but it doesn't make it any easier being able to predict it. Making up get's harder every time because I know it won't last very long and will just lead to disappointment and more heartache.
Now... I'm not going to say "woe is me" or say Simon is a bad boyfriend. Life is just complicated and I choose to stay. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad and I guess you could say there is a lot of AMAZING in Simon on some given moments.
I'm also not saying choosing to stay is easy or that I never think of leaving. I do, all the time. In fact right now we are in the "waiting for the other person to break first phase" because I had gotten fed up with him not making time with me a priority and told him I was done with the relationship we were currently having and when he was ready to make me a priority in his life I would be here." This pattern will either break when he has enough to drink that he get's the courage to contact me, or I start getting so anxious that he'll move on that I'll apologize for being a "B*TCH"
Sometimes though.... I get so proud that I really convince myself that I am going to "detach myself" from him and his problems. This morning was one of those mornings when I felt I was truly done and deserved better. I deserved to not feel lonely anymore. So I sent him the break up message through text.(figured doing it through text wasn't terrible since we've been apart since last Feb.)
I go on about my day and decided to catch a different Al-Anon meeting than the one I usually attend, because this Sunday I have to work and I won't be able to make my usual one. This is where my day started getting ironic. I come in and sit down, nervously talk to the few other ladies who had showed up early too.
Once 7:00 came around, we all said the serenity prayer and read through the 12 Steps. It wasn't until one woman started sharing and I looked up from the book I was reading to see the entire room was dedicated to "Fly Rod" Crosby. Maine 1st sporting guide. She basically mapped out how to make a business out of sporting camps in Maine. Ohhh... and I said "SHE" right?!?! Two years ago I wouldn't of know anything about this woman, but Simon, having the personality of someone born 60 years before him had basically lectured me on the whole history of Maine during all of our drives across the state. Where he keeps all this information is beyond me... but let's just say... he is very smart.
So, I'm in this Al-Anon meeting where the topic is "Isolation" and I have Simon's idol staring at me and i'm surrounded by all her fly rods and pictures of old cabins. So... the one time I decide to give up on my relationship with Simon, I go to a meeting where I'm reminded of all the great things about him and the topic is exactly what his and my pattern consist of... isolation. Over and over and over again.
Now, I don't associate myself with any religion, but if there is a higher power.... you think that was a message or just ironic? haha
Oh! and that pattern? Simon is calling me right now just as predicted! Got to run! :)
So... We have this pattern, or this dance that we do where we stop talking and wait and see how long till the other one cracks and breaks down and calls us. Then we'll comeback together have a few magical days(sometimes hours) of making up before the communication issues come bubbling back up and we start fighting. It's a very predictable pattern, but it doesn't make it any easier being able to predict it. Making up get's harder every time because I know it won't last very long and will just lead to disappointment and more heartache.
Now... I'm not going to say "woe is me" or say Simon is a bad boyfriend. Life is just complicated and I choose to stay. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad and I guess you could say there is a lot of AMAZING in Simon on some given moments.
I'm also not saying choosing to stay is easy or that I never think of leaving. I do, all the time. In fact right now we are in the "waiting for the other person to break first phase" because I had gotten fed up with him not making time with me a priority and told him I was done with the relationship we were currently having and when he was ready to make me a priority in his life I would be here." This pattern will either break when he has enough to drink that he get's the courage to contact me, or I start getting so anxious that he'll move on that I'll apologize for being a "B*TCH"
Sometimes though.... I get so proud that I really convince myself that I am going to "detach myself" from him and his problems. This morning was one of those mornings when I felt I was truly done and deserved better. I deserved to not feel lonely anymore. So I sent him the break up message through text.(figured doing it through text wasn't terrible since we've been apart since last Feb.)
I go on about my day and decided to catch a different Al-Anon meeting than the one I usually attend, because this Sunday I have to work and I won't be able to make my usual one. This is where my day started getting ironic. I come in and sit down, nervously talk to the few other ladies who had showed up early too.
Once 7:00 came around, we all said the serenity prayer and read through the 12 Steps. It wasn't until one woman started sharing and I looked up from the book I was reading to see the entire room was dedicated to "Fly Rod" Crosby. Maine 1st sporting guide. She basically mapped out how to make a business out of sporting camps in Maine. Ohhh... and I said "SHE" right?!?! Two years ago I wouldn't of know anything about this woman, but Simon, having the personality of someone born 60 years before him had basically lectured me on the whole history of Maine during all of our drives across the state. Where he keeps all this information is beyond me... but let's just say... he is very smart.
So, I'm in this Al-Anon meeting where the topic is "Isolation" and I have Simon's idol staring at me and i'm surrounded by all her fly rods and pictures of old cabins. So... the one time I decide to give up on my relationship with Simon, I go to a meeting where I'm reminded of all the great things about him and the topic is exactly what his and my pattern consist of... isolation. Over and over and over again.
Now, I don't associate myself with any religion, but if there is a higher power.... you think that was a message or just ironic? haha
Oh! and that pattern? Simon is calling me right now just as predicted! Got to run! :)