Ok, So I'm a little bummed because I had already written this entry and accidentally deleted it. So, here we go again... hoping as put as much heart into it as the first time.
So... part of Al-Anon that a lot of people have a hard time grasping is the "higher power" part. Myself included... but I'm starting to actually think that there might be someone looking over me and Simon.
My higher power is a she and she is a sarcastic bitch. I truly believe she would take that as a compliment too. Whenever she gives me guidance, it's always kinda a "joke on me". I have to find humor in her creative way's of pointing out what I could do instead, but I am grateful to have this guidance, be it real or not.
First off remember the time I had thrown in the towel and was going to ignore Simon then went to a meeting that had Fly Rod Crosby on all the walls and the topic of discussion was how isolation hurts, but detachment is healthy? How F-ing ironic, no? That was one situation.
Okay... So recently I had another sign from her. The other night when I went to go see the finished jeep. Simon pulled me close to kiss me. I actually refused to kiss him back. I told him I didn't want to go down that off and on road again. I was happy being friends. A half lie. I truly didn't want to go down that road again, but I wasn't happy being just friends. I wanted to kiss him soooooo bad!!! I was getting a little bit of pleasure having him want me so bad. I will admit that, but the instant I got in my car and left... I wanted to be back in his arms. It was torture not turning the car around. I even texted him saying that if I knew he was serious about me, things would be different. I wanted him to beg, I wanted him to say who knows... I just wanted it to be a fairytale.
Instead he got angry with me. Compared our relationship to an old beat up jeep that was nothing more than scrap metal and maybe we should test drive some new vehicles. I had to chuckle at his analogy. It was the most he has spoken about his feelings and a LONG time. I argued that all vehicles need maintenance and that any relationship would fall apart if no one wanted to put effort in, but we all know it's pointless to argue with someone when they are drunk so I didn't keep instigating.
So that night I fell asleep and had the most insane and awesome dream. I had this dream that I was a blue goldfish. I lived in a toilet bowl. Everyday I lived in fear. I was sick from contaminated water, poisoned even. Everytime someone flushed I would have to swim as fast as possible to keep from being sucked down the drain. And I think the worst part was, I could never sleep because I never knew when someone would come along flush the toilet. i was exhausted.
One day it happened again, the toilet was flushed, water was gushing all around it. Pure chaos. I was just swimming frantically to stay away from the drain, then be it luck or me finally feeling strong I beat my tail and flew out of the toilet bowl. Course then i only landed on the bathroom floor where I thought "Crap, well... I didn't plan this out very well...." I seemed very calm considering I was about to die. haha
But then someone picked me up and she said to me. "Jenny, all you have to do is kiss."
"Kiss?" I asked.
"Yes, Kiss.." she said again. "Keep, it simple stupid."
So... part of Al-Anon that a lot of people have a hard time grasping is the "higher power" part. Myself included... but I'm starting to actually think that there might be someone looking over me and Simon.
My higher power is a she and she is a sarcastic bitch. I truly believe she would take that as a compliment too. Whenever she gives me guidance, it's always kinda a "joke on me". I have to find humor in her creative way's of pointing out what I could do instead, but I am grateful to have this guidance, be it real or not.
First off remember the time I had thrown in the towel and was going to ignore Simon then went to a meeting that had Fly Rod Crosby on all the walls and the topic of discussion was how isolation hurts, but detachment is healthy? How F-ing ironic, no? That was one situation.
Okay... So recently I had another sign from her. The other night when I went to go see the finished jeep. Simon pulled me close to kiss me. I actually refused to kiss him back. I told him I didn't want to go down that off and on road again. I was happy being friends. A half lie. I truly didn't want to go down that road again, but I wasn't happy being just friends. I wanted to kiss him soooooo bad!!! I was getting a little bit of pleasure having him want me so bad. I will admit that, but the instant I got in my car and left... I wanted to be back in his arms. It was torture not turning the car around. I even texted him saying that if I knew he was serious about me, things would be different. I wanted him to beg, I wanted him to say who knows... I just wanted it to be a fairytale.
Instead he got angry with me. Compared our relationship to an old beat up jeep that was nothing more than scrap metal and maybe we should test drive some new vehicles. I had to chuckle at his analogy. It was the most he has spoken about his feelings and a LONG time. I argued that all vehicles need maintenance and that any relationship would fall apart if no one wanted to put effort in, but we all know it's pointless to argue with someone when they are drunk so I didn't keep instigating.
So that night I fell asleep and had the most insane and awesome dream. I had this dream that I was a blue goldfish. I lived in a toilet bowl. Everyday I lived in fear. I was sick from contaminated water, poisoned even. Everytime someone flushed I would have to swim as fast as possible to keep from being sucked down the drain. And I think the worst part was, I could never sleep because I never knew when someone would come along flush the toilet. i was exhausted.
One day it happened again, the toilet was flushed, water was gushing all around it. Pure chaos. I was just swimming frantically to stay away from the drain, then be it luck or me finally feeling strong I beat my tail and flew out of the toilet bowl. Course then i only landed on the bathroom floor where I thought "Crap, well... I didn't plan this out very well...." I seemed very calm considering I was about to die. haha
But then someone picked me up and she said to me. "Jenny, all you have to do is kiss."
"Kiss?" I asked.
"Yes, Kiss.." she said again. "Keep, it simple stupid."
K - I - S - S
e t i t
e m u
p p p
l i
e d
Now remember I said that my higher power is a sarcastic bitch? Haha There she is again, but I love her.
I have been creating an environment as uninviting as a toilet bowl with my attitude and causing more stress for myself.
I should of just gone with my feelings and kissed him like I wanted instead of making hoops for him to jump through.
So, this lady then dropped me into a beautiful aquarium and i knew everything would be alright. I woke up happy, because I felt blessed to have someone who looks out for me so.
So... now I just got to practice keeping it simple and kissing. ;)
I have been creating an environment as uninviting as a toilet bowl with my attitude and causing more stress for myself.
I should of just gone with my feelings and kissed him like I wanted instead of making hoops for him to jump through.
So, this lady then dropped me into a beautiful aquarium and i knew everything would be alright. I woke up happy, because I felt blessed to have someone who looks out for me so.
So... now I just got to practice keeping it simple and kissing. ;)